Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Memories are an invasion of privacy. It can be a curse, plaguing your every existance. Forever worshipping that you can't lay a finger on it. Laughing in your face at how pathetic you look when you try..

It's soul searching, cryptic, and neurological. Anticlimactic even. performing on ever whim you survive. You see something, it's stuck. You smell something, it's stuck.
Tast, smell, sight, touch, and sound. All of them parades to your every essence..

Determined to make your life a never ending story. Forcing itself upon you. Feeding your being with hope, sorrow, and empathy..

Best time for your memory to curse and laugh is when you can't remember something or it's right at the tip of your tongue. It laughs until you get it right. And then thwarts away any attempt for it to happen again..

It's just wrong and self concious. Confusing, and stubborn. Idiocy is what i call it.. plain attacks on you. Your own self taking pride in making itself miserable.


.... Places of utter compulsion...

Why do people have to be so obnoxious all the time. They like to test you at the wrong friggin times. Like to test you becuase it pleases them to see how far they can go before destroying everything..

Complete and utter disgust for those people sometimes. It's just wrong, and utterly pathetic..

There should be no need for tests like that. You should be able to trust each other, and not play ganes when one feels like it, just because you can..


And i'm not saying this as a women's perspective, I know that some girls can do the exact same. But i just know from what i've beentold, and from personal expeience that men have done it more..

I'm not discriminating against males, i'm not doing that at all, just expressing my valid point. And hell if any male/ or female for that matter has any objective to what i have said, Please feel free to say. Don't hesitate, I would love to hear what anyone says on an of my notes. It's why i write, So people can know who i am, and fight to make a point valid if i believe it's so.

But that doesn't mean i wont listen. Who knows, you might make me change my mind. But you will never know until you write back.

I would love to hear from anyone with a valid point. On absolutely everything and anything. :)

Love to hear from you soon..

<3 Emma

(A.K.A Qendresea)
Lady of Squee and Honorary Black Rose...

Monday, March 2, 2009

Black Breaks, Guilt Burns


The sand of the desert.
Is as black as the rose.
As it wilters in darkness.
To make out my soul.

The soul of my body.
As it withers away.
To form my heart.
As it breaks and fades.

To sing it out loud.
I am dying of guilt.
The guilt i have known.
For as long as i've lived.

The guilt of my fate.
My heart, my soul.
The one that will never..
.. Ever go.

To finish it off.
I have never wanted it more.
To love you like fire.
Burning on the floor.

(C) Emma Shaw - 9th October 2006



I hate all those things you did to me.
I hate your fucking face.
I hate to even think of you.
I hate your smiles embrace.

I hate when you never called.
I hate all those things i use to like.
I hate that you took everything from me.
I hate that i'm too weak to fight.

I hate this world.
I hate you.
I hate all those things you put me through.

You never should have earned my trust.
You threw it back in my face.
When you never showed you'd care.

I thought i loved you.
I thought i lost you.
But you never knew how much.
And now your saying for me to rot in hell.
When i'm the one that came out on top.

(C) Emma Shaw - 8th April 2008


This is a dedication to my Grandad, i wrote this poem seconds after finding out his strokes weren't all strokes, some were combined with the case of being epileptic..


It drops you to the floor
Your whole body shaking
You cant control yourself
No-one can help

They throw a pillow under you
To stop you hurting yourself
They move the chairs
So they cant harm you

Your wishing it would stop
As your loved ones around you look on with shock

You grit your teeth tight
As you start to slowly still
You look at their faces
And see all their tears

You wish they hadn't seen that
You wish it wasn't so
But too late before you say it
They already know.

(C) Emma Shaw - 12th March 2008

Person Is Me


When life goes by you should always think about the ones you know,
The ones you love and the ones you should love,
They way that love is constructed around the people you hsare life with,
The ones that are amazed with what you do,
The ones that should care bout you when you care about them,
The ones that you love, worship, and sometimes hate.

But the best thing about your lovers, is that you can do what ever you please and you will always be loved by one person..

.. And that person is me ..

(C) Emma Shaw - 1st April 2006


Hatred is a big word when you put all of your hatred towards someone. Especially one someone that you thought you loved, thought you cared so much about that you would feel their pain when they were sad, lost, or forgotten..

But in the end your forgotten...

(C) Emma Shaw - 8th April 2008

To Be Or Not To Be


To be or not to be.
That is the question i am asking.
This is a well preserved comment.
And one i wish not to find out.
One i wish not to look at.
And one i wish not to see.
The one where everytime i hear it.
It drives me up the wall.
To be or not to be.
Is that even a question worth asking.
I think so, but i also think not.

(C) Emma Shaw - 21st March 2006



I would loved to have known what life was like when i was a child.
To have all the memories installed back into my brain.
To think that i don't have amnesia.
And to live a simple life.
A better life.

To hope for something that will happen.
To wish for something and for it to become true.
To have everyone not stare at you like you're some random person.
And to make the vision through my eyes.
And yours to be the centre of..


(C) Emma Shaw - 18th Augsut 2005

Life Has Changed...


Life has changed over and over again.
No matter how many times you look at it.
It will always be different.
It will be different in sight, sound, taste, smell and touch.

You'll always think to your self that you're the one who has changed.
But you'r totally wrong.

It's wrong to say that you're alone.
It's wrong to say that your not loved.
It's wrong to go through life without anyone by your side.

But this always seems to happen.

When ever someone needs you the most.
You're never there to help them.
When someone doesn't need your help at all.
You seem to be there annoying them constantly.

No-one can help this, what people go through everyday.
They can only help themselves when they need it most.

I wish it was different.
I wish it was over.

But i wish that i was different.
I wish that i was over.

But for some reason i will be far from it.

And i'm glad.
Because nothing can save me.
For what i'm about to do to myself.
And i hope no-one ever does.

So Goodbye..


(C) Emma Shaw - 22nd August 2006


I know what it feels like to be rejected and humiliated. To feel your heart ripped open because you finally took a chance on that relationship and it wound up confirming your worst fears that you are worthless and not woth caring about..

So you may not understand, but this is how i feel...


Friends are like magnets,
Magnets that never let go,
You pull, and pull, and pull,
But you're stuck together.
Until one day you corrode,
And fall apart,
You try to hang on,
But the bond as out lasted itself.
Sometimes you can fix this bond,
Sometimes it's for the better,
Sometimes it's never what you want,
This is what you can't help.
Help would be painful,
Help would bring a tear to your eye,
Help is never what they want,
But help is all you can provide.
Even love can't put that bond back together..
(C) Emma Shaw - 27th July 2008

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Everything in life is a suggestion. It's a tes to see who will cave, and who will pass. The strong few of us are able to hold back on the temptation and live their lives that way. Were as most of us (including me) are tempted by things that are bad for me. This theory is based towards everything. Food, Drinks, Clothes, Money, People, and above all Relationships.

Who isn't attracted to the bad guy. I mean, tatt's, piercing, bad sense, personality, looks, feel, friends, clothes. All of that i find attractive. Muscles, NO hair except snail trail, the V to (wonderland), Taller (then me), Tatt's, Piercing's, Long Hair.

All those fantastic qualities in the one man, attracts me. Always has, always will. And no-one can change my mind. Try if you dare, but i am strong.

I have be known as a Joan of Arc. Out to help and save others, before even considering on'es self. Some of you might disagree with this. But i believe it too be true. I do everything in my power to help those of whom i know. Dont care what i'm going through, as long as thyey are feeling better, and happy. In sense it makes me happy knowing i could do something for them, even if it's just to listen. I can do it all, and still feel praise.

Yes i am an emotional wreck sometimes, but as long as others are happy because i was there for them. Makes me smile.

So on the bright side, friend, aquaintances, close people, family, men, women, strangers. If for anything don't be ashamed, or too embarrassed to come and talk to me. If i don't have any advice too give on the subject (which is quite rare) i can always help just by listening.

To keep it all in for yourself and have no-one to talk to is a nightmare, i of so many people know that.

So please, don't hesitate at all. No matter what the subject it's on.

I am here for you all.


When life takes you by the hand and gives you the choice to choose which path you'll lead, remember one thing...

Good is always followed closely behind by bad. You may think you escpae it, but it is always lurking arounf each corner. Each step you take can be fatal.

Even in relationships. Good and Bad. Happy and Sad. Joyful and Painful. Fight For or Terminated. You don't know where it will lead you, or what each choice you make on your own and as a coupld will do to effect you both.

If it thrives into a long commitment or if it's only a short timer fling. Or if it's over before it even begins. But when it is over both of you combined have the right to still be friends. Do what you feel is right for you and talk about it. Discuss the pro's and con's of your actions which lead you hear. Don't just shrug it off.

The think is one of the greatest gifts you can recieve. It helps you through thick and thin. It even helps you to help others when that have trouble thinking for themselves. And helping someone is the most amazing thing you can do, not just for yourself, but for them as well.

Friends, Enemies, Partners, Friends with Extra's, you never know how your going to end up, unless you think and talk about it.

Life is something worth living if you have friends. No-one could love you more than that love of a true friend wanting to do anything in their power to help you to be the best person you want to be.

It's why we communicate. Able to have FREE SPEECH, able to stand up for what we believe in.

If we didn't have FREE SPEECH we wouldn't be herd. And i for one like being herd, and not some prize to be won, and hidden away. I like to be free. And be myself and not what others think or want me to be. It's not what i will ever be. Some Trophy.

To all the girls you have the right to seapk out. FREE SPEECH is for us all and we should take pride in that. I know i do. Talk out, take care, and fight the right to speak your mind.

No man should tell you differently. We have earned the chance to change with time. So why cant many men except that. This is a new era. Get out and enjoy it. Don't hide in the dark.

We have to stick together.
It's how we can be herd, and not just seen.
We have to fight for what we believe in.
And i believe in my right for FREE SPEECH.

I hope you do too...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Random Thoughts 1

Why does life have to be so hard.
Up, downs, all over the place.
The good turns into bad, happy turns into sad in split second.
Joyful into tearful.
Extatic into bashful.
Always changing. In split second.
In split parts of the life you own.
No-one knows why, no-one wants it to happen to them.
And i'm sure alot of people would like to find out.
Especially the ones that get hurt.
You try your best not to make them in pain.
But you know there is nothing you can say without finishing at that conclusion.
Why can't this world we live in be a happy place everyday.
All the time, everywhere.
It's because of the balance we have to have.
If we don't have balance.
We wouldn't have the life to begin with.
And we wouldn't want that.
No-one would, no matter how sucky their life was...

(C) Emma Shaw - 10th December 2008


Quotes i like to say.. and adore learning what the meanings bhjind them are..

"A thorn defends the rose, harming only those who would steal the blossom".
"Where there is great love, there are always miracles".
"No matter what, no matter where, it's always home, if love is there".
"A bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song".
"Love is anything but free, work at it, try, risk, listen and wait right now. But be available and the returns will be great".
"One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is 4 or 5 days that change everything". - Riding in cars with boys.. *Movie*
"FINE : Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, *and* Emotional" - The Italian Job *Movie*
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
"When one door shuts, another opens".
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afriad only of standing still. You may feel things. Shifting and changing, but with an optimistic outlook, the potential for great love expands each day".
"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, love more, and all the good things will be yours. Be aware of what your actions and their effects on others, demonstrating concern for another can go a long way".
"Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them".
"Sometimes you gotta run away so you can see who will run after you. Sometimes you gotta talk quieter just to see who's listening. Sometimes you gotta step up to see who's standing by your side. Sometimes you gotta make a wrong decision to see who's there to fix it. Sometimes you gotta let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to come back".
"Don't go to sleep angry, stay up and fight".
"It is dawn, the moment of uneasy slumber when dreams become confused with reality".
"Never let go of what you feel is right".
"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, and all one craves for is a warm face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart". - Camus
"Good friends liste to the things you say, best friends hear all the things you don't say".
"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. Look for something new and exciting, different, that will cause you to grow. Combine this with honesty and the gaps will close and you will experience unprecedented closeness".
"Being happy is not always being perfect. Happiness can be found with someone near when you look closely and discover the good in their heart".
"Be patien in one moment of anger - escape a hundred days of sorrow. Passion is good, but withhold quick judgement and fiery words until you can see the entire picture. You will be pleasantly suprise".
"A person's appearance doesn't count. What counts is their heart inside them and their personality. No-one wants to be told they're not good enough".


These are some of the cars i love to look at, spite in wanting them, and look forwards to the day i can own one ;)

* 1967 Shelby GT 500
* 1965 GT 350 Type R
*1970 Boss 320
* 1977 Cobra II
*2005 Ford Mustang Concept Coupe

But first car i want it to be a Holden Gemini.. Yes i know i would be branching away from my prize posession of Fords... But they are just such cute little speedy cars.. And i want one :)


When you think about it!! Why do you write bad things about people you know, or have known..
The ones you love, the ones you have loved, and everything else in between..
You think about if they're doing it too you..
Writing about anything and everything..
Personal, not personal..
You just don't know these days..
No-one knows completely, who, what, when, where, how and why people think about you..
You miss that closeness that you once had, wishing deeply to have that back, even in a slight glimpse of the thought..
And you will never get it back unless you work at it..
Unless you do the work yourself..
This is what i'm trying to do..
At the moment..
This very second in time..


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Near Misses...

Excuse all the bad language in this blog.. but


Today whilst walking home from a reasonable good day.. Up my own street.. Only 2 doors away from my own house.. I was almost *by the tiniest miniscule* run over by one of those new Holden Commodores.. Fancy hot red with 2 Black racing stripes down each side the car and across the boot... One of those cars.. Which of course knowingly neough come with Hot Rod drivers who believe that the entire road is their joyful play ground...

What happend was 2 cars had sped past me and stopped.. The first *red convertible* stopped on the left side of the road and the Holden stopped moved into the other lane so they could talk out their windows at each other.. I walked past the convertible heading to my house.. Only 2 doors away (literally)... Then herd one of the cars spinning their wheels.. So I turned to see what the fucker was doing.. And which one it was to see if i was in the way of the take off...

It was the Holden of course, the one furthest away from me.. And as he took off... With smoke coming out from the back tyres.. Must have lost control cause he swerved to my side of the road as fast as anything as if he was in the drags.. And if i hadn't had jumped up onto the curve in anticipation of being in the way only seconds earlier i would have been hit.. Badly..

How ever the back of his car did hit me as he was trying to get control of it... Then the convertible sped right behind him and they turned the corner... Not giving me enough time to recover from the images that flashed threw my head as i was hit, of what the scene would have looked like if i was hit by him...

This is that scene i told you about that ran threw my head as soon as i was hit *One of those hit and run victims i could been.. Oh the joys of imagining myself as a complete mess on the road literally outside my house with my sis and dad inside running out freaking like anything.. As my sis gets in the car to go hunt the fuckers down.. While dad rings the cops as others run out from their houses seeing if they can help..*

In that split second of being hit to the floor, THAT all rushed threw my head..

And as i write this i am in tears.. As only just now.. This very second.. It has really hit me.. No more adrenaline to help me cope.. No more thoughts of being pissed at them..
Shock horroe running through my body as if it craves it.. Searching for some part that hasn't been affected by what happend.. Making it hurt more...

I'm alone.. I'm scared.. And i don't want to be here...

And above all.. It's the worst situation i could be in.. Me being scared.. my stomach is feeling at it's worst in the last 2 days... And now i can't do anything but sit here.. Cry.. Panick.. Hurt.. and Be Scared Out Of My Utter Mind...

Good night.. One and all.. As for i have no more to say on this horrific matter.. As i start to lay on the floor.. i will say this..

Be safe.. Take care of yourself.. And please.. Think on your toes every second of your life.. It's the best you can do to save yourself..

Monday, February 16, 2009



That about covers my mood atm.. And the mood i discovered about midnight last night..
It fustrates me that even those around you know your hurting, tend to want to hurt you more to make them feel better and hoping you change your mind and wanting to take them back..
If you haven't figured out already this is about my recent break up with my ex.. *NOW*

Fustrating and annoying.. but i don't blame him for wanting to make sure i know how he feels..
It's called revenge.. In his sweet, non-sceptical, all over, hating me state... Not like he could ever hate me.. He says..

Lies... he's even lied to protect me saying it was amutual break up.. Wasn't of the sort at all.. I broke it off.. He tried everything in his power and more to keep me.. And now i have his mates going.. "Are you ok.. How you doing"
I'm doing alot better then him.. Talk to him.. It was a mutual break up my ass....

So what if we spoke 5 hours before i came to the conclusion... I had thoght about it for 3 weeks.. I had been hurting for 3 weeks.. 5 hours was nothing compaired to that..
It will hit him soon when he realises i wont be coming back, nand therefore the Hatred, and revenge state will really kick in..

Oh the joys of having such a life as i.. nd having to deal with this over and over again each year, begining to end..
I'm over it.. And therefore.. over ever wanted to feel hurt again


Sunday, February 15, 2009

I want a flying pony.. Wouldn't you?
I mean they could run, walk and fly.. What better combination would you want.. They are also stunning creatures.. And beautifully imparied to others..

Though what's better then a flying horse..
A Macigal flying carpet you might say..
Now that would be cool.. Colourful, comfy, flying, **MAGICAL**
I would also like a Genie to come along with that..

Magical things, mystical things, fantasy things..
I believe in alot.. And much, much, more..

If only my world was like that every day.. magical and happy :)